Shame is a uniquely destructive force. For survivors of sexual harassment and sexual assault, shame is more than an emotion—it is a form of internalized violence that distorts reality and leads to self-blame, isolation, and nervous system shutdown. Unlike guilt, which acknowledges a wrong action, shame attacks the self: “I am wrong. I am the problem.” It colors every experience, convincing survivors that they are unworthy of care, justice, and support.
But shame does not exist in a vacuum. It thrives in silence, reinforced by a culture that denies, dismisses, and gaslights survivors. This is why an unshaming witness is essential. When someone is seen, heard, and believed—when their experience is validated without judgment—shame begins to lose its grip. Healing is not about fixing or erasing what happened; it is about acknowledging pain as real and worthy of attention.
How Shame Causes Shutdown
Shame has a profound effect on the nervous system. Trauma researcher Dr. Stephen Porges describes how the body responds to overwhelming experiences with a hierarchy of survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, and shutdown. For many survivors, the initial fight-or-flight response may not be possible due to power imbalances or fear of retaliation. When escape is not an option, the body enters freeze—a state of paralysis, numbness, or dissociation.
If shame persists over time, it can push a person into shutdown. This is a state of deep exhaustion, depression, and disconnection from self and others. The body may develop chronic pain, illness, or autoimmune issues. The mind may spiral into self-doubt, struggling with internalized messages like, I should have done something differently. I must have deserved this. No one will believe me.
This cycle of shame is reinforced when survivors try to speak up and are met with disbelief, blame, or minimization. The cultural tendency to discredit survivors—to question their memory, behavior, or intentions—deepens the shutdown response. If pain is continuously dismissed, the nervous system learns to stop expressing it. Over time, survivors may believe their pain does not matter.
The Role of an Unshaming Witness
The antidote to shame is not more self-discipline or “getting over it.” The antidote is connection. Survivors need an unshaming witness—someone who sees their pain as valid and intelligent, rather than something to be ignored or fixed.
A shaming witness will:
- Deny, dismiss, or gaslight a survivor’s experience (“Are you sure that really happened?” or “You’re being too sensitive.”)
- Imply that the survivor is responsible for the harm (“Why didn’t you fight back?” or “You must have led them on.”)
- Push for immediate solutions without fully listening (“Just move on.” or “You need to forgive and forget.”)
An unshaming witness, on the other hand, will:
- Listen with curiosity and without judgment (“Tell me what that was like for you.”)
- Validate the survivor’s reality (“That sounds incredibly painful. I believe you.”)
- Recognize that symptoms (exhaustion, anger, dissociation) are intelligent responses, not personal failures (“Your body is protecting you. Let’s honor that wisdom.”)
Survivors do not need someone to fix them. They need someone to stand beside them, to acknowledge their experience as meaningful. This kind of witnessing allows survivors to begin processing their pain in a way that integrates, rather than suppresses, their emotions.
The Cost of Silence
Shame thrives in isolation. Many survivors stay silent because they have internalized the belief that no one wants to hear their pain. This is not just an individual issue—it is a systemic problem. Institutions, workplaces, and legal systems often reinforce a culture of silence, making it harder for survivors to come forward.
For example, in the workplace, survivors of sexual harassment may:
- Fear retaliation if they report misconduct
- Be gaslit into believing they are misinterpreting events
- Blame themselves for the harassment, wondering if they “invited” the behavior
- Experience professional shame, equating mistreatment with personal failure
This shame-based silence is costly. It not only affects survivors’ mental and physical health, but it also allows abusive behavior to continue unchecked. Breaking this silence requires both individual and collective action.
Creating Unshaming Spaces
Whether in personal relationships, workplaces, or advocacy spaces, we must actively create environments where shame loses its power. Here’s how we can do that:
- Ask, “What’s it like for you?” Instead of rushing to solutions, take time to hear the survivor’s experience. Every person’s response to trauma is unique.
- Acknowledge the wisdom in symptoms. Instead of pathologizing pain or exhaustion, recognize these as meaningful signals. The nervous system communicates through sensations—listening is the first step to healing.
- Honor protest. Survivors need spaces to express anger, grief, or frustration without fear of being shut down. A “mini-tantrum” or an honest vent can be the nervous system’s way of reclaiming power.
- Challenge institutional shame. Workplaces and legal systems must recognize the barriers survivors face and take responsibility for creating safer, more just environments.
A Path to Healing
Unshaming is a process, not a destination. Survivors may still feel shame from time to time—it is a deeply ingrained response. But with an unshaming witness, they can begin to rewrite the narrative:
Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” → “I deserve to be heard.”
Instead of “I should have done something differently.” → “I did what I could to survive.”
Instead of “No one wants to hear this.” → “My pain is real, and it matters.”
When we unshame survivors, we do more than ease individual suffering—we dismantle a culture of silence and complicity. We create space for truth, justice, and healing. And in doing so, we move closer to a world where no survivor has to carry the weight of shame alone.
Resource:
The Unshaming Way: A Compassionate Guide to Dismantling Shame. Heal from trauma, unlearn self-blame, and reclaim your story by David Bedrick.
